Hey ladies. Let’s talk about relationship closure for a minute. Too many of us have been in relation[situation]ships that didn’t work out as planned. You meet someone, you start spending lots of time with them and confiding in them, then next thing you know, that really amazing dream is over. Don’t think you’re alone, I have been in the same position. We all think we need “closure” after a relationship or hookup ends, but is it the best thing for you? What type of closure should you get?
In theory, closure is supposed to provide us with a breakup cure-all. If we know what exactly went wrong and what we can improve upon, then we can close the door on that past relationship/hookup/whatever and MOVE ON. But do you really think that after you get the whole run down of how things went left, you’ll be able to effectively move on? The key word is EFFECTIVELY. No running back, no baggage, no stress? Let me tell you a piece of my story, maybe you can relate. I’ll try and keep this A/B/C clear for you all.
“High School Daze”
You know those relationships with potential, but never go as far as you predicted? This is the one. After my first relationship ended, we didn’t talk much about all that went wrong. ‘Frank’ had cheated, yes. A player, yes. But somehow, someway, I got over him and was able to forgive. And I’ll tell you how — I began to talk to someone else, thus, my second relationship happened. Believe it or not, me and Frank are cool ’till this day and don’t revisit the past when we talk. We never talked on a daily basis or hung out, we mainly saw each other at friendly functions. I think that was how I knew we were both over it. The key to my healing was time, space, and a new distraction. My closure in this situation was accepting. No, we didn’t sit down and talk about what happened, I CHOOSE to move on and there WASN’T any resentment. Yes, in the beginning I was upset and thought that I wasn’t enough for him, but God had other plans for me. God let this new man come into my life and I accepted the gift with open arms.
Healing does take time. Let’s take a look at what some of my lovely sisters from #UnashamedBloggers have to say about beneficial closure:
@Shavahn D. says, “I didn’t get closure in my last relationship, and it still hurts. I think that closure is good because you’ll get a clearer understanding as to why it didn’t work. You’ll also know what to do differently in your next relationship.”
@Tameka C. says, “most of my relationships never have closure. Closure can be good for understanding behaviors and words that contribute to the falling of a relationship. You can reflect on what to do and what not to do in your next relationship. However, sometimes closure is no answer. You just have to do the internal work and reflect on your own.”
@Shenica N. says, “closure helps you to release baggage. If the door is still cracked/opened, then sometimes the chapter hasn’t ended. Old wounds often prevent you from being the BEST you. In a relationship, I am of the opinion that you have to close the door before opening another. In some cases, the closure shows up in the form of ceased communication. Although it’s very unhealthy and you’re stuck with a lot of unanswered questions, you can still move on because the relationship has severed/ceased. If that makes sense!”
“The History Makers”
Let’s move on to the second relationship. This one is for anyone who’s ever been in a relationship with someone you fell in love with, and it unexpectedly took a sharp left. ‘Blake’ and I have so much history and loved each other to death. Along the way, Blake started to put me in messy situations I wanted no parts of. The damage became incurable. We forgave each other for everything, talked about what went wrong with no possible solutions, and went on like nothing ever happened and THAT was our problem. We were perfect at forgiving and forgetting, but not actually fixing. One day, I just decided to let go. I had to face the baggage I was carrying because it was so unhealthy. No, it wasn’t something I wanted to do, I just knew it had to be done. In all of those arguments and talks, I never got the closure I needed, just a blanket to cover up the mess that was there.
No, I didn’t leave him, but I took some time away from him to be able to heal. In this case, trust, honesty, and communication were our biggest issues… and the time away built the bridge we were missing for all of those components. We talk about our progress here and there, even saw each other every blue moon, and it works. It’s gotten so good to the point where we planned to take some us time, without cell phones and any exterior communication, just so that we can focus on each other for a bit. He knows that I am not capable of being in that full time relationship with him right now, nor can I give him the attention he wants as I’m trying to heal and focus on myself. I think the most beautiful part about it all is that he understands and accepts it. Here’s what I’ve learned:
- Self-love is SO IMPORTANT. Without it, you won’t be able to overcome situations confidently and correctly. Without it, you can become blind to the truth and in some cases, the truth will be right in front of your face or your intuition.
- Communication and trust are a TOP PRIORITY in any relationship! It is the foundation of the relationship and determines how far it will go. You can’t throw neither of these components under the bus and expect things to work out.
- Space is important. Time to yourself is important. Mental health is important. Your emotional well being is important. Don’t let social media fool you into thinking that the moment you take time for yourself, you’re selfish.
- Closure can come in the form of many things. It doesn’t necessarily have to be two people sitting down and figuring out where they went wrong.
So here’s the last scenario I’m throwing in. The Hookup. No, this wasn’t like a one night stand type thing, but more like a little fling that became more than you expected. Let’s talk about ‘Josh’ for a minute. Josh had a thing for me but I never took him serious until he started to invite me over. To be honest, I didn’t really like him in the beginning (that’s how it all starts), but it was something about him that drew me closer. Long story short, we grew feelings over time for each other but I still was in love with my ex at the time and didn’t want to lead Josh on. So I cut him off shortly after and he understood why. A year passes, I’m single again, and Josh finds out. At this point, I was willing to give Josh a chance. We were consistently talking and seeing each other, and the next thing I know he’s not answering my calls or texts, etc. It was kind of devastating. I thought everything was going good, I was finally getting over my ex, and it all just stopped.
I was very confused and needed to know what his deal was. Believe it or not, I never got the chance to speak to him about the situation. I saw him on campus sometimes and would just completely ignore him. Before you ask, yes — there was another girl. I found out on his social media the summer following that school year and you know what… it hurt a bit. Of course I had feelings for him, but not enough to let it affect the way I was living. I wasn’t upset because of the new girl, I was upset because of the simple fact that I confided in someone who just got up and left without an explanation. And I’m sure some of you can attest to what that feels like.
BEING THE ONE TO WALK AWAY
Ladies, lets spill some tea shall we? Don’t ever think walking away is an easy task. Through my experiences with men, I realized that if you have self-love, nothing and I mean NOTHING can break you as a woman. You know how much you are worth, and you add taxes as you level up in life! Being a boss ain’t easy, but very doable. And believe it or not, you will attract a man who sees how independent you are and wants to cater to your every need.
There are guys out there that fit your standards. Don’t think you have to change a man to get what you want out of life and your relationship. Rule number one: you don’t chase love, let it find you. I promise it is the most beautiful thing. If we back track to scenario two, I told you guys how I left and things got better for us. If it is real, and it is in God’s plan that the relationship is supposed to work out, IT WILL.
“She is everything a man will desire and need,
as well as everything a boy will not understand,
value and take for granted.” – unknown